I started this blog because I wanted a fun way to grow my toy collection and share it with the world. More importantly though, I struggled with the damaging messages I was told as a child and teen about sex. I needed a way to organize and get out my feelings on my past and wanted to join a sex positive community.
Due to genetic predisposition mixed with a string of traumatic events, I struggled with depression and anxiety. This meant medication in my teens that prevented me from being able to orgasm. I did not even have my first orgasm until I was 19, which at the time felt very old. I never much masturbated as I wasn’t ever strong enough to get anywhere with my hand and would tire quickly. I had plenty of experience with different partners and would get pleasure out of it, but never orgasmed. I was finally able to orgasm by myself after months of using a (definitely not body-safe) vibrator I bought from Spencer’s. I credit the vibrator and lack of medication for even being able to orgasm at all.
My orgasms then weren’t even anything special, but for me it was amazing and such a relief to be having them at all. Soon, I was able to use my hands to get myself off, and I could orgasm easily on my own. Flash forward a few years and I finally start dating again. However, with the stress of graduation approaching and job searching, my anxiety and depression kicked up ten fold. I went back on the meds, this time with a doctor who was actually concerned about my sexual well-being. My current partner and I struggled to overcome my insecurities about my inability to orgasm with a partner. The meds worked well for the depression and anxiety, but they devastatingly took away my ability to orgasm. Luckily, my doctor was more than willing to adjust my medication accordingly. This led to me buying my first body-safe toy: my We-Vibe Thrill. It ended in me going off the meds entirely. This was a tough decision to make and may not be the right decision for someone else. I had been on them long enough that they lifted me out of my really deep depression and had been able to stabilize. Being off of them was still a daily struggle, but for me, not having my orgasms was causing so much stress on its own that I figured I was better off fighting my demons in other ways.
Using the Thrill helped me get my orgasms back (because they don’t just magically come back right away after stopping the meds) but since it couldn’t really be used for PIV, we still struggled significantly to find a way to make sex enjoyable for me. We purchased the Couple 2+ next and enjoyed that, but knew there was more for me to experience. So, we purchased the Passionate Play collection, which included my Tango, and it completely changed our sex life. I went from hardly being able to experience mediocre orgasms to being able to orgasm fully and easily during sex. I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief and joy when our sex life started to become much more fluid. From there, I felt comfortable enough with my body and our sex-life to start experimenting with more things instead of having to always be focusing on my orgasm. That is about the time I started this blog and when I really started trying more sex toys. I am so happy with the way things are going right now, but every now and then we have a few set-backs. Those set-backs remind me of how far I have come and how far I still have to go.