My anxiety and phobias

Today I went in for what I thought would be a routine doctor’s visit. I have never really been afraid of doctors, and leaving work early to go by myself didn’t even phase me. I am very, very pale skinned and have been told it’s pretty much a matter of when, not if, I’ll get skin cancer. That’s never really bothered me because I go every year, and it’s slow growing enough that going yearly should catch anything in plenty of time. I try not to think about that time, but today’s appointment ended with me having to get a biopsy. 

By now, I’m sure you all know I have anxiety. As a child I acquired phobias like Pokemon cards, except unlike those outdated trading cards, my phobias are here to stay. My two biggest phobias are arachnaphobia and really anything involving needles or skin not being intact. 

When I was waiting for the doctor, I noticed a new addition to the office- a stack of cards discussing post biopsy care. That’s when I realized it was only a matter of time before I would end up needing a biopsy and out rolled the anxiety train. I regretted not bringing someone and thought about calling my mom to come be with me. I was able to calm myself down enough by the time the doctor finally arrived. The first thing she said to me was “we haven’t had to do a biopsy on you yet” as if that was very abnormal.

After some searching, she circled a mole and said “that one we’ll need to take off.” At which point I started having a panic attack, and she looked at me like I was overreacting. Crying and hyperventilating in front of doctors is nothing new for me, but this time I felt really sef-conscious. Most say something along the lines of “oh anxiety is normal, we have all kinds of adults who get anxious about this and react in different ways” this doctor looked at me and said “You’re an adult. Someone must have done something to make you this way” 

I warned her that I was going to pass out, that I always do any time a needle is involved and she said “you won’t pass out” ya, I guess you know more about my body then? Luckily she had enough sense to recline me and put a fan on me. The assistant was very nice and very receptive to me asking if I could hold her hand. She was fantastic and kept talking to me the whole time. I started feeling lightheaded and fuzzy halfway through, told them and then passed out. I woke up unable to move or talk, wide-eyed and covered in sweat. I’m pretty used to passing out by now, but it’s always startling to come-to after passing out. 

The assistant gave me a sucker and stayed with me until I starting to regain my color and slowly got me to where I could stand. I got changed and texted my mom in the waiting room to come pick me up. She drove me home, but I still needed to get my car home from the doctors. I left my keys with my mom in all the chaos and had to wake my boyfriend up to get the door. When he answered I fell apart and tried my best to explain what happened through the tears. He picked me up and carried me to bed and told me to text my mom that he would be down to meet her in a moment. She drove him to pick my car up and then he went to the store to get me the bandaids and ointment I needed for my post-biopsy care. 

I’ve spent most of the rest of the day sobbing and laughing (I nervous laugh when I get overwhelmed). It will take about two weeks to heal, and I need to change the bandaids regularly. I’m also terrified of bandaids- they rip off your skin/hair, and I’m afraid the scab will stick to the padding and be ripped off. Not to mention I’m horrified to even look at the bandage, let alone the actual spot. I managed to shower tonight and wrap it so it didn’t get wet like I was told. I’m dreading the next couple weeks, but am trying my hardest to not overthink this. This is going to become a part of my life now, and if I ever have kids (and I really want to have kids) I’m going to have to work through this because I’ll more than likely need a c-section. 

I can’t help but be reminded of the time I had a large mole removed when I was ten that required surgery and stitches and how poorly I handled that. It took me years to feel comfortable having that area touch anything, and I still, over a decade later, get very uncomfortable if someone else even looks like they are going to touch it. I am not sure I’ve ever touched it. It is an area that brings me a lot of stress and I don’t want this to become like that at all. I can’t be afraid of my entire body.

I want to be able to go about my life like normal tomorrow, but I know that won’t happen. I am trying my hardest to overcome this, but it won’t be easy. Normally my depression and anxiety go hand in hand, but lately I have been lucky enough to have my depression at bay, but my anxiety has still been high. I am considering going back on the meds, but don’t want to risk the sexual side affects since things are finally going so well. 

I think I am going to talk with my mom and partner about seeing someone again to discuss my options for anxiety meds. I cannot thank them enough for how selflessly they dropped everything to care for me today. 

I’M BACK!!! 

I know! It’s been forever! Trust me, I know!

As you may or may not know, I was offered the option to retake my GMAT for free by my top choice school. I ran with it and studied my ass off. So much literal blood (paper cuts, periods and nose bleeds), sweat (from working out all my stress and frustrations at the gym), and tears (though not as many as I expected) (and a bit of alcohol) went into my retake. And I am so proud and excited to say I did so much better!! Hopefully good enough to get me into my top choice school! *fingers crossed*

I tell ya though, I wouldn’t have made it through without all of the amazing people in my life, namely my mom and partner, but also a ton of my Twitter followers and friends! You were all so supportive and encouraging of me! I was so awe struck by your overwhelming response! I cannot thank you all enough for not only that, but your patience with me during this whole process as I haven’t put out any new reviews.

The next big thing in my life is this move in four weeks! You’ll be sure to hear all about it as it approaches, but now that I have a ton more free-time, as I’m not devoting every second of it to studying for this test, I expect my blog will start to take more of a priority in my life. I am so excited to be able to spend time on my blog again, I’ve really missed being able to contribute to our community these weeks. So, bear with me as I get my life together again after this treacherous month, and I should have a new review out for you soon!!

Company Review: Bad Dragon

Read my review of the Bad Dragon Stan here.

I should warn you before I begin my company review, I have heard negative buzz about their customer service and company. I cannot personally verify or validate any of it, all I know is that my order turned out fine.

I ordered the Stan from Bad Dragon in the fall of 2015. I personally don’t have any draw towards the fantasy dildos, but I like the variety of shapes/sizes/textures/colors that Bad Dragon offers as well as their extreme customization capabilities.

First, they have a wide variety of actual toy models they offer (dildos, sleeves, sheaths, and accessories). Then, you can either purchase a pre-made one, like I did, or customize your own. Finally, you have options of size, firmness, and coloring, and some toys can even have a cum tube (allowing the toy to ejaculate Bad Dragon’s own cum lube, or ya know any other water-based lube) and/or a suction cup base. Their sizes vary pretty greatly by toy though, so make sure to read up on the specs before choosing. All of these different modifications and add-ons come at a price though, and they add up quickly!

One thing that was odd to me was that you never really get a chance to review your order. Unless I somehow missed it- I didn’t get a run-through of my order and information until the order confirmation page.

I didn’t actually have any serious issues with my order, other than me being extremely impatient and overly concerned. I didn’t get an email until my order was shipped, which was different than the normal “Welcome to ____” email, followed by the, “We got your order” email, then the “We are shipping your order” and lastly “How was your experience?”. So impatient, anxious me was worried something was wrong and I’d never get my Stan, but I did.

I placed my order late night on a Friday and it arrived the following Friday morning. I chose to ship through FedEx, but they offer UPS as well. The order came with purple tissue paper, and the Stan was in a plastic bag rather than a box like I’m used to with Lelo and WeVibe. It does not come with any storage pouch, so for now he lives in a quart sized ziplock.

My biggest issue with the order was that at the time they were running a deal where if your pre-made toy didn’t ship out the next day, they would give you a coupon for the total price. Since my toy did not ship out the next day, and it was a pre-made toy, I thought I had qualified. However, because my order also included the Teenie Weenies, which are apparently custom items (despite being randomly picked), my order did not qualify.

In sum, I really love how customizable and unique their products are. I also love that they offer a wide range of body safe, silicone toys including masturbation sleeves, which is rare. I was also satisfied with my experience with them. However, keep in mind that there are many documented concerns regarding their customer service and the integrity of their company. Many reviewers have sworn off Bad Dragon because of this. Bad Dragon is probably the most well known fantasy dildo maker, but that doesn’t necessarily make them the best.

Life Update 2/28/16

Hello everyone!! I’ve been trying to get a new review or substantial post out every two weeks this year. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to get one out to you this weekend, and possibly not two weekends from now either. I will update you in two weeks regardless.

The reason I am not able to get one out is because I have been very busy with some exciting life changes! I have been looking for a new place to live, which I am soo close to being able to officially say I have found!! My boss is pregnant so I am gearing up to take over her job, which is keeping me very busy, and also not very busy at work if that’s somehow possible. I also am in the final stages of preparing to take my GMAT and applying to grad school. I take my GMAT in two weeks so I have lots of practice tests to take and answers to review until then, which is why I may not get that review out two weeks from now. It was also my birthday this past week so I have had lots of celebrating to do! My life is really exciting and confusing and overwhelming lately, but I can finally see it starting to come together.

Anyway, I have to run out and grab some groceries before I go get ready to take another long practice test, but I hope you are all having a lovely weekend!! Take care of yourselves and hopefully we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon!

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is actually one of my favorite holidays. I know it’s kind of a boring favorite holiday, but I love it. To me, it is a day to celebrate love and self-care. My favorite part is a tradition I started a while back. Every V-Day I stay in, pick a good movie, and order Chinese food. I’ve been doing it for about five years now. Whatever self-care and love means to you, embrace it! Which is why this year I am recommending the gift that keeps on giving: a few solid, body-safe sex toys to give instead of flowers that will just die.

I tried to have a variety of price levels and include a variety of toys to suit your needs. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much experience with toys in the higher price categories that I would recommend. So I have included a few I haven’t personally experienced but that have been given very positive reviews (I have also included the review that made me deem it worthy of including on this list). I also used SheVibe’s pricing for all my numbers, unless noted.

 

$100-$150

Magic Wand Rechargeable ($124)- A wand vibrator that is so strong, and the silicone head adds some cushion that allows me to really grind into those vibes.

New York Toy Collective Shilo Pack and Play ($139)- Read Aerie’s review of it here. I mean look at that head and those colors. This one is definitely on my wish list!

Liberator Fascinator Throe ($110-$180)- A fluffy, waterproof blanket designed to keep your hot messy sex off your sheets. Whether you are a squirter, sweater, or you are worried about semen or lube getting on your sheets, waterproof blankets help take your focus off worrying and more on fun. Read Reenie’s review of it here.

$50-$100

We-Vibe Tango ($79)- This is one of the best little vibes around! Totally waterproof and very powerful. I can’t recommend it enough, and for what it’s done for me and my sex life, it is invaluable.

VixSkin Mustang ($99)- This is one of the most realistic dildos I’ve ever felt thanks to the VixSkin dual density. If you are looking for a realistic feeling dildo in a middle of the road size, the VixSkin Mustang is a must have! Available in a variety of colors, including flesh tones, tye-die, and neon pink.

Hot Octopuss Pulse II Solo ($99)- The great thing about this toy is that it can be used while flaccid, which is an amazing option for those who cannot get or maintain an erection. You can read Dangerous Lilly’s review of it here.

Below $50

Tantus Slow Drive Long ($44)- This dildo is a very firm silicone, but that curve hits my a-spot like none other. It’s a thinner dildo, but it mainly focuses on my a-spot, and boy does it hit it! If you or your Valentine love a-spot stim, I’d highly recommend this for a cheap, high quality, body-safe sex toy.

Tantus Grab Bag (various prices on Tantus‘ site)- Grab Bags are dildos that Tantus makes when they change their silicone so they come in random, surprise colors at a great discount. They offer multiple different styles, but from what I’ve heard the way their O2 dildos are cast, the grab bag is not an option for those styles. If you don’t care about colors or are on a budget, these toys can’t be beat!

Sliquid Lube ($10-$12): If you are using it with silicone toys, stick with water based. I love the Sassy, and I’ve also heard it’s a great water-based lube for anal use.

 

Savings:

Tantus: Offering 15-25% off certain bundle options, 20% off vibrators through the end of January (code PLAYTIME). Free shipping on orders over $100 (for US ground).

SheVibe: 15% off orders over $75 through January (code HAPPY). Free shipping on orders over $75 (for US ground).

 

Keep in mind, that if you want your items by the big day, you should order soon!

Last day for guaranteed Tantus ground shipping: 2/2; SheVibe Ground Shipping: 2/1

TMI Tuesday 11/24/15

At 6:30 this morning I realized that I forgot to write TMI Tuesday. So from the comfort of my bed I created TMI Tuesday with questions compiled from my 2010 blog The Pleasure Principle

TMI Flashback

1. Which ONE do you wish you had more of in bed… romance, experimentation or foreplay?

Hmm probably foreplay, our romance and experimentation game is fairly strong

2. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

Well I’m not dating anymore, but probably:

3- being on their phones

2- being rude to waiters/servers

1- anyway unwanted or aggressive sexual behaviors or stories/suggestions of such

3 Tell us something sexual you do not do anymore? Why?

hmm. I’m not sure there’s anything that I used to do that I don’t do anymore. Maybe rougher stuff like choking or hair pulling- it just doesn’t really fit with my sex life at the moment. I have nothing against it, and maybe that will change, it just isn’t something that’s happened.

4. During sex would you rather have a lover: (pick only one)
a. pull your hair
b. scratch your back
c. spank your ass

OOOO such a good question!!! So good! We typically go with C- spank your ass, however lately massage my back has been rising in popularity. I know that’s not an option, but it should be. I used to enjoy A- pull your hair, but it’s not something I’ve done lately, not even sure if I’d still like it.

5. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much? If it’s the kind of foreplay I wouldn’t be able to orgasm from, it could get frustrating.

Bonus: What is the best thing about you?

Hm. well my boyfriend’s first response was how snuggle-able I am, after some prodding he said “your sweet sweet butt…MAKE SURE THEY KNOW I’M JOKING. But you do have a sweet sweet butt” It’s a hard question.

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Reckless Rousey

Recently, Ronda Rousey made some comments that were horribly misguided and isolating for many. I hadn’t commented on it before because I was considering what to say, and many, many people had commented already. However, Rousey just keeps giving me ample opportunities to reply. I feel obligated to voice my concerns despite the numerous, phenomenal responses already, because if by some chance even one person stumbles upon my blog before any of the others who have so amazingly responded, I need them to know they are not wrong or broken or lazy. Not to mention, I want to flood the internet with the truth about lube instead of this nonsense that Rousey is spouting.

Shall we begin?

The first half of her comments were well meant- men, and all people, should take their time if that is what their partner wants and needs. She should have stopped there, but she didn’t. She shamed men by saying if their partner needed lube they were being lazy and inattentive, and she shamed women who may need or prefer lube for any reason (and they are many!). And then there’s the whole issue of her assuming everyone’s in a cis-gendered, heterosexual relationship. Then she got all defensive and instead of saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I never considered any reality but my own, and as a public figure I see how that could be a very damaging issue” she dug herself deeper. She called people defending lube and it’s greatness “gritty kitty bitches” and said they were “working with a sandbox”. I personally use lube for vaginal and oral sex as well as masturbation and when I’m using my hands on my boyfriend. So I’m not sure if she just doesn’t understand how sex works but using the term sandbox doesn’t always make sense even.

So why is a celebrity shaming people such an issue?

Rousey has gone from athlete sensation to that fiesty figure people look to on how to be cool. And that’s a problem when she’s dishing out sex advice she knows nothing about beyond limited personal experience. Sex is already something our society lacks proper education on and when our “cool models” (instead of role models?) tell people there’s something wrong with them or they are lazy if they are using lube we are doing a disservice to everyone. Some people enjoy using lube and some absolutely need it, for whatever reason- like glasses. Rousey is essentially starting a “four eyes” insult for sex, except it’s not one that stops at emotional and psychological trauma. If someone needs lube and isn’t using it they put themselves at risk for sti’s, physical discomfort and pain, condoms breaking, avoiding sex, and much much worse.

If that has been Rousey’s reality thus far, there’s nothing wrong with that and maybe for her that’s a sign of a partner who is unconcerned with her pleasure. But where it becomes an issue is when she took her limited personal experience on the subject matter and extended it to everyone, regardless of gender, while still highly gendering everyone, if that’s possible. Saying “you should never need lube in your life” may sound like a sound argument if you’ve always been a heavy personal lube maker and aren’t engaging in anal play. However, you have no idea how hormonal changes or other medical changes later in life will affect your personal lube production. And let me tell you, if you are willing to just stop being sexual because you need lube, you might want to reevaluate your sex life. Trust me- I’ve been there! That is totally your choice to stop being sexual- but it’s absolutely not necessary! Lube is great! Sex is great! Lube makes sex great! It might take you some experimenting to find something you like, but lube exists for a reason. People need it, people like it! There’s nothing wrong, lazy or shameful about it. No matter what some famous person who gets punched in the face for a living tells you.

Impulse Buying

I am an impulse sex toy buyer. I purchased another toy this week after receiving my beautiful Bad Dragon Stan. Tantus was having an unbeatable sale on their Flurry, one of the toys on my wish list! It was originally going to be like 80+ dollars for me to order including shipping, but they were offering it for $20, totally 32.33 with shipping. How could I pass that up? I mean, just HOW? So I didn’t. I ordered a Flurry in Candy (pink) and it should be here in a few days! I cannot wait to try it out. It is a smaller dildo than my Stan with more g-spot stimulation, so I am really excited to see how I like it. I am working hard on my Stan review and I should have that up for you soon, as well as some others. I am so thrilled that my sex toy collection is growing with some high quality silicone dildos.

The beginning

Welcome to Artemis Quivers!

I have been meaning to start this thing for months. Literal months. I finally bit down hard and decided it could no longer wait. My boyfriend helped me brainstorm ideas and together we came up with Artemis Quivers. 

As my boyfriend and I continue to reach new heights in our sex life, sex toys have become more and more enticing to me. Not that I didn’t enjoy them before, but I didn’t know them like I do now. That’s not to say I am an expert. Far from it. I just have a greater understanding and respect for sex toys being in a long-term, loving, and ever evolving sexual relationship (and that’s not to say you need to have any of that to enjoy sex toys- it’s just what helped me). I see them as a way to enhance and explore our sexuality together and therefore enhance our sex life, sexual relationship and ultimately our relationship and lives as a whole. 

Thank you and again, welcome!